Written by M.
Well it’s been a while since my last post. So what have I been up to?
Besides following my favorites shows and discovering new favorites, I’ve been busy with my therapies. And a few weeks ago I had a revelation with my psychologist. About 70% of all burn outs are related to a trauma in your childhood, and I belong to that 70%. And so I realized that the source of my insecurities comes from my trauma. Though I never called it a trauma until my psychologist called it that. My insecurities, my need for control, my perfectionism, my fear of sticking out, my inability to trust, it’s all a result of what happened over 15 years ago. And where it was great to have this breakthrough and knowing what the source of all my pain is, it’s also heartbreaking to me that my ex, his friends and their actions still have so much hold over me. But now I know, more than ever, that I need to put this behind me and that this is something I can’t do by myself.
So last week I started with EMDR therapy, where I’m wearing a headphone and I hear the sound of a ping pong ball going from my left to right ear and back to left again. I close my eyes and think about what happened. Thinking about how afraid I was, or how betrayed and alone I felt. Before I knew it, I was crying my eyes out and while writing this blog, my eyes are filling up with tears again. The point of this therapy is that I have to realize that now I’m save and that I can make it through. But even though, realistically I know I can make it through, because I’m still here, when I go back to that moment, I don’t feel like I can make it through. I feel scared, alone and betrayed by the person I trusted most. What happened? I’m not gonna tell you the whole story just yet, but the short version is that my ex has a suspended sentence for physical abuse and taking me hostage when I was 14. In one night I lost the boy I was madly in love with and all my friends. Thank God for my family, they were and still are there for me, whatever I need. And where other people say ‘I should get over it already’ and ask ‘Why does it still bother me’, my family supports me if every way they can.
It will be a rough ride, but it’s time to get my life back and let the past be the past. So I’m moving forward with my therapy, hoping that the intensity of my trauma will get less and that my baggage will get a little smaller.
If you’re also in the trauma group, talk with a psychologist, put it all out there and work hard to be able to move forward. It won’t be easy, but we also don’t want to be back at rock bottom next year, and this hard and painful way is the way to make sure, that that won’t happen. And please remember, that even though the road is dark and it feels like you’re all alone, you’re not. I’m walking this path with you, and with me so many others.
There may be night that you just can’t seem to fall asleep, even though you can hardly keep your eyes open. This has happened to me a lot, there are so many night that I don’t fall asleep until it’s 4 in the morning, or even later. And then I have so much trouble getting up in the morning at a decent hour, most times I just turn off my alarm and sleep till it’s time for lunch. This doesn’t help making you feel better. I learned that I’m doing better if I stick to my rhythm, although getting back to my rhythm is very hard at the moment. And not sleeping good at night doesn’t make it any easier. So how can we sleep a little better. Something that helps me, is music.
Every time I go to the beautician, she plays a CD of Katie Melua, Piece by Piece, and every time I’m there I drift off. So now, when I have trouble falling asleep, I start playing Katie Melua, volume very low. This isn’t some miracle cure, but most night it does the trick. Do you have music that calms you and is easy listening? Start playing it, volume low and let your brain turn off and drift away. I truly hope this will help you fall asleep. But if it doesn’t, don’t stress about it. You’ll find your way, the way to a good night sleep, and your way to the life you want to lead. It just takes time.
Till next time,