Written by M.
There are good days and bad days, that is just how life is. But when you’re in a burn out, the bad days are so much worse. There are days that you can hardly stand on your legs, where moving yourself to the bathroom is a humongous task and all you can think of doing is lie in your bed with the blankets over your head. The trouble is that nobody sees this.
If you have a broken leg, everybody sees that and know what is wrong. But they can’t tell that you have a burn out by looking at you. They can’t see that everything inside you has fallen apart. They don’t see that when you have a burn out, you don’t even recognize yourself. They don’t see that you are crying half of the time, that your concentration is nowhere to be found. And because they don’t see all of this, they can’t possible imagine what you are feeling. And if anyone says that they get what you are going through, even though they haven’t had a burn out their self, than they’re lying. They might not know that they are lying, but they are lying, they really have no idea. They don’t know what it’s like to start crying just because you see someone crossing the street in a commercial.
The thing is, that they are trying to be understanding and they think that they are helping. And it’s very sweet, but when someone tells me that they are tired too and I just to turn in early and get a good night of sleep, I want to strangle them. I’m sure this is meant nice, but this just means that you have no idea what it is that I’m going through. Just as when someone says, I just need to push through, get over it. If someone would say this to me, I don’t just want to strangle him, I actually will, that person will not see the light of day again. I am in a burn out because I pushed through and kept going, even though my body gave me all the signs that I needed to stop. I kept giving and giving and giving till there is nothing left to give. I am beyond exhausted and I feel that a quote of my favorite series of all time will fit in here. So to use Buffy’s words..
I’m beyond tired. I’m beyond scared.
I’m standing on the mouth of hell and it is gonna swallow me whole.
So you see, this is not something to push through and keep on going. Keep on going isn’t an option anymore. Now it’s time for me. Now it’s time to rest and start to find myself again. And it’s gonna take a while. And telling me that I need try to learn from mistakes isn’t gonna help. Because if I knew what my mistakes were, or knew how prevent this, I probably wouldn’t be in this position. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and family, but them telling me what my mistakes are or what I should learn from this, isn’t gonna help. This isn’t something you’re gonna take from friends and family, it’s something you take from a psychologist. With a friend of family there will emotion in it, because they want so badly to help you, to make you feel better. But what we, or at least I, need is someone who can look at it without the emotions. Only they can help me to look at things from a different point of view. And this is a slow process. Seriously people, you can’t expect to recover from a burn out in just a few months. Don’t expect this from yourself, your friends, your family or your colleague! This process take a lot of time, energy, soul searching and what not. Give yourself time, rushing or putting pressure will only make it worse. Go back to soon and you’ll be right back where you started or even worse. It’s a slow process but they say everything will be better at the end, guess I’ll wait and see.
If you have a friend, family member, acquaintance or colleague who has a burn out and you want to support them and be there for them, please be interested. But if you ask how it’s going, really hear them out. What I found out is that people ask how it’s going, but only want to hear that I’m getting better. Having a burn out isn’t all sunshine and rainbows! It’s dark and thunderstorms, so please don’t expect only positivity. Don’t give us a hard time for not being positive, we are going through something hard and difficult and slow, being bright and sunny for someone else isn’t on our mind. I’m sorry if this upsets you, but that’s something that you will have to deal with. We need to concentrate on getting better, and making you feel better won’t help us with that.
Till next time,